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Jokes

1

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

2

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? 
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

3

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

4

How do you know when a Catholic priest moves into your neighborhood?

He is required by law to notify you

5.

You might be a Fundy/Evangelical Christian or Mormon if...

10 — You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 — You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that man evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 — You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune god.

7 — Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Yahweh/Jehovah etc. slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and even trees!

6 — You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that your Holy Ghost/Spirit impregnated Mary, an unwed, who then gave birth to a man—god who was killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 — You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.54 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 — You believe that the entire population of this planet, with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects —  will spend eternity in your invented infinite Hell of lakes of fire and brimstone. And yet you consider your religion as most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 — While modern science, geology, biology, physics and history, have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 — You define .000001% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers ― evidence that prayer works. Yet you think that the remaining 99.999999% FAILURE rate is simply the will of your god, an Invisible Man in the Sky.

1 — You actually know a great deal less than many atheists and agnostics do about your bible, your Christian religion and church history; but you still call yourself a Christian.

6

How many Religiholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Amish:.............................. What’s a light bulb?  

Baptist:........................... At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken next Sunday.

Charismatic:................ Only 1. Their hands are already in the air.

Episcopalian:................ 3. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Judaism:......................... ? Not now. We will wait until K-Mart put light bulbs on sale. Then we have to say berachot over it.

Lutheran:....................... None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodist:.................... Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass around.

Mormon:.......................... 5. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it properly.

Nazarene:..................... 6. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Pentecostal:................ 10. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray for protection against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterian:.............. None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:........ None. Candles only. Put a little something in the box.

Scientologist:............. Tom Cruise. We may get lucky and he’ll fall off the ladder, or will be kidnapped by Xenu.

Unitarian:...................... ? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted – all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

7

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

8

How are Catholic priests like K-Mart?

They both have boys pants half of

9

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled "His wife is here with his lunch."

10

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, Father John stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like the statue looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on Father John's manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."

The second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells.

"Holy Mary mother of god, hand lotion too!"

11

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."  

"Thank god," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

12

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both get up and walk toward the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dog.'

Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.

"What part did you get?"

13

What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black?

A nun roasting on a spit.

14

CATHOLIC'S AT THE COFFEE SHOP      

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee at the local coffee shop.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'!" 

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'!"   

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'!"

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'!"

The lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!!"

15

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly and he sees them. He hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "dark in here."

The man says, "yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

Man:  "Deal!"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way, way more than those things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and Dad makes the boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now!" 

16

The preacher says; "anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front, at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays ― he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday!"

17

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal ― if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

18

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES ― $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER ― $50.00."

19